I’m sorry I haven’t written. I’m sorry I haven’t been faithful to you. But I’ve been on quite the personal journey this past month. I’ve learned the ups and downs of my ribcage and the dark and light crannies that rest inside my heart.
You see, babycakes, I had hit a bit of a dry spell in my faith and really, it was never my intention to talk this much about my faith. But it’s a part of my identity and it’s a thing you’ll notice about me right away— I love God and Jesus and am so thankful for his salvation. But, I’ve kind of been lacking in that department lately. Pushing Him away. Drawing inward, away from community with other people. I had slowly, brick by sinful brick, built a wall around my heart and letting the devil lay siege to my soul. I had been turning my eyes away from the piles of dynamite God had been providing me with to wreck the wall. I had built that wall. Yeah, me. My two dainty shoulders and thin musician hands had consciously made the choice to lay down the stones and create this barrier between my Savior and I.
And it’s not because I didn’t feel Him, and it’s not because of anything anyone did.
I had fallen so far into a pit of despair & self-loathing & hatred that the thought of His love scared me. And I don’t mean like Freddy Krouger, pee your pants scary. But the scary that keeps you up until all hours of the night contemplating every decision that you’ve made in your life and how those have affected your self-worth.
I was pushing God away for the same reasons it had taken me so long to accept His son and salvation; I was afraid of His love, of His commitment, of His faithfulness.
I’m about to get real with you, sweetheart. Like, open up my soul and spill out all my blood real. Because my journey to God and His love hasn’t been pretty. My testimony isn’t something I’ve ever spoken to anyone outside of a closed practice room at 9:24 at night. And I’m not ready to put it on here. I’ll never be that open to the public… unless He want and needs me to be.
But, sweetcheeks, if you haven’t picked this up sub-contextually in all my posts, let me point it out and paint it in monochromatic colors because this can’t be fluffed up with poetry and metaphors: I have daddy issues…. More specifically relating to abandonment. And trying to prove my worth through and to people because I don’t want them to leave. It’s been a series of realizations and breakdowns and build-ups. But maybe that’s the process of life. It’s not my fault my biological father left, I’m coming to terms with that. I couldn’t help that distance separated me and Love, I’m accepting that. I can’t blame myself for her hanging that rope and climbed it all the way to heaven. But, that God loves me? That He’ll never leave or forsake me? That His love is unending and unfailing? That’s a bit hard. Especially after a lifetime of swallowed goodbyes and loved ones leaving without even providing space to let go and untangle them from my heart.
So yeah, I’ve built quite the fortress around myself. Thought I was in control. Thought it’d be enough to get though life, this halfway walked across runway. But life had different plans. Life hit me with a 2 by 4 this past month, pulled the IV from my arm and I have been going through some twisted withdrawal from melancholy. I slid below the surface of the pit of destruction. Demons I had fought so hard to shake suddenly were tucking me back into bed at night and brushing knots from my hair in the morning. I would watch, wide-eyed, as Depression and Anorexia/Bulimia would bicker over breakfast and Anxiety would gently pull me to the shower. Self-harm would greet me in the hallway with a robe. I was sinking and the silver linings that were once harbored in my eyes were getting lost at sea.
Finally, it became too much.
I apologized for the wall. For the stupid, selfish ways. For being a pusher. For my fear. For my self-hatred. And God? He came in like a wrecking ball, breaking down block after sinful block and chased my demons away. Now, I’m resting in His embrace and Hope & Joy exchange gleeful banter over coffee as Faith braids patience & strength & love into my hair. It’s still a battle, but I’ve come to realize that playing small is something of my past… and I’m never looking back to then. I’m going to soar on eagle’s wings and rest in the shadow of His glory.
So babycakes, I was in a bit of a dry spell in my faith… but now I’m drenched in His love. It took work & a desire & a plea & a genuine need and it’s going to take work & ugly crying & self-realization. But if I can get there then so, dear, can you.
I’m cheering fiercely for you and I’ll be keeping you tucked in my pocket babes.
Let Him break down your walls.