Lately, my faith has been a bit shaky. And I don’t mean to talk about my problems… But its been eating at me lately, so here goes.
Lately, my faith’s been a bit shaky. And it’s not because I don’t think He loves me. And it’s not because I’m feeling unworthy. Although, both of those things would be valid excuses for this feeling. But lately?
It’s like my faith is a game show and I know all the right answers but never win the grand prize.
I know He’s ever -present. I know He’s always there. But sometimes– it’d be great to feel Him like that day at Camp when He saved me. That day He embraced me & let me know I was loved & encouraged me to keep living.
Yesterday, I sat in a room in the basement of a chapel for 40 minutes. I didn’t speak for awhile. I didn’t move. I just tried to grasp some proof that God was around. But His head never peeked around a corner and He never snuck up behind me. I started to feel antsy I the silence. I couldn’t stand it anymore, the silence… the emptiness. I finally spoke up:
“Hey Dad, I’m just wondering where you’ve been… I’ve missed you so much…”
But He stayed silent. So I sat. I thought. I submerged myself in that silence. And I realized something babycakes, I was still harboring a lot of burdens and brokenness in the docks of my heart. So I sat there and I started to untie the boats one by one. Swish, Swish. One after the other.
“I’m sorry for pushing You away and others when I should have been pulling them close. These arms are only so wide, Father… help me embrace as many people as I can.”
“I’m going to work harder to seek You out. I’m going to work harder & look deeper & search longer. I know You’re there… I’m going to find Your heart.”
“I’m going to put in the effort to stop falling back into my old habits & toxic attitudes & brokenness.”
With every admittance, with every apology, I released space for a silver lining or hope or joy or trust or love to harbor themselves. With each sentence I uttered, each boat I sent off to sea… my closed heart opened up. I could physically feel my heart unclench itself and start to let in the love. And in that moment, in that silence, He spoke so loud:
“Little One, you are so precious to me. Keep this big heart of yours open. Keep your hands spread to catch the pain of the world. You are a gem just beginning to see your worth, just starting to notice your shine. My child, keep allowing yourself to be molded. Keep being my relentless one.”
And all I have to ask, Lord: Make me Your gold. If you do nothing else with me today Father– just make me Your gold.