i fell to knees that had never kissed the ground before.
communication had never been my strong point,
and yet He aches and groans with a desire
to speak with me, alone and lovingly
i never believed in my own worth,
saw my life as sawdust and shattered glass
but He saw a boat trapped in a bottle–
fighting against elements it was never built to weather.
He cradled me with calloused hands,
worn down from the work
of holding this broken world together.
how could He ever envision beauty rising from these ashes?
lost faith and stolen hope,
but He always believed in what i could become.
pushing obstacles in my path
that would condition me for the harder hardships
before smashing the bottle to pieces
and freeing me from inside this shell.
I turn 19 in less than a month. I know. I’m young. Believe me, I hear it all the time. But this past year was one the hardest years I have faced yet and I know that they are just going to ebb and flow. Next year may be easier, but it also may be harder. I am just trusting that I will be able to lean on Christ on and my friends. I am trusting in that a lot.
This past year I started college. I had a rough first semester, battling the party-lifestyle I had known all summer and dealing with the loss of some people in my life. I got hit with depression, and anxiety attacks became a normal occurrence to me. I started to fall back from the party scene, but I definitely suffered from the lack of socializing. My depression got worse. I relapsed and started to battle self-harm and an eating disorder again.
I am not telling you that for sympathy. I’m telling you that because I swore to be honest with you in the beginning of all this. I swore brokenness, beautiful ashes turning to stardust. I swore white-knuckled hands holding onto the last grain of truths I had within my chest.
I”m going to cut to the chase here.. I hated God a lot this past year.
There were nights when I had to pray openly in front of people and I felt like a fool leading that, falsifying love when I really couldn’t stand the thought of Him.
There were days when I told friends that God was awesome and I could see Him moving in my life, but those were lies. I lied to my friends in the moment but I can truthfully say now that He was, indeed, moving.
There were times when I had people telling me that my story was such a testament to His faithfulness to me. I would nod my head but was secretly wishing that He hadn’t intervened that day during the thunderstorm, I didn’t want to be saved. Why did He save me?
So yeah, I hated God a lot this year. But there were moments when I really loved Him too.
When He swept in during worship and cradled the broken heart I had thought I had gotten over. When He held my family in His palms through custody battles, homelessness, and lost faith. When He orchestrated me meeting some of the awesomest people, and then having them become some of my first closest friends. When He threw my heart and soul into organizations located in Atlanta so that I could meet some of the most inspiring people ever. When He started whispering to my broken cries and answering my whispered sobs to the ceiling of closets. When He started showing me how to love myself for who I am and to be okay with that, to be brave with who I am. (one day, readers. one day.)
Eighteen was a hard year for me. I was broken beyond compare by people and God and myself. But I have a feeling that Nineteen is just going to be more growing and stretching and moving.
But you know what, I am still trusting.