The locks clicked behind me as I shut the door of my mother’s navy blue Ford Explorer. Turning the key, the radio popped on, the engine roared to life and I finally came to life as well as I let out a wild scream. The first time I had ever externalized my inner anguish and trashing my already low expectations… nothing happened. The earth stayed still and it was over. In a blink of an eye, my scream was out and over and the pressure was gone from my chest. I could breathe. I looked up at the dimly lit sky and whispered “Is this all? Just speak out and poof? Gone?”
I then angerly, and quite emotionally, asked my God some questions about miracles and God moments…You see, i’ve never had my very own God moment: one of those times where you just know He is speaking to you. So I asked Him– “I see you giving out love to everyone else, actively participating in others lives… am I just not important to you?”
Sometimes we are deaf to messages when we aren’t ready to hear them.
Let me just say that again: you might not be ready to hear a message.He can yell & scream & knock down buildings & send waves crashing against sand; but unless you are ready to hear baby– you won’t. And I’ve never been ready to hear I am loveable. Especially by a Godthat loves us with a jealous frenzy and is unfailing in His love. He is an ocean. And darling, I’ve always been fixated with the ocean: the vastness of it, the surging beauty. It’s so big and powerful, yet it breaks upon the shore so gently, pulling at my feet so tenderly. And I always pictured God like that– so powerful and vast, yet gentle and tender. He’d pull me into Him so carefully, taking caution not to drown any of my broken pieces.
And you see babycakes, that’s how I knew He was talking to me. Because ever since I’ve come to know Jesus, He has been gently and tenderly pulling me into His love. But I’ve never felt Him like I felt Him that night. Me- feeling so unimportant and Him just showing up and being vast and powerful.
God has pretty stellar timing, if I do say so myself.
and I can say that now because I’ve experienced Him. I can say that now because just as I had uttered “Am I not important to you?” these lyrics played on the radio:
you don’t feel important, well honey all I got to say/ is to the world you may be just another girl/ but to me baby you are the world
And I cried, baby cried. More than I have cried while locked inside my mom’s car. He and I have punched through the walls I had put up to guard my heart… because God has been shutting some major doors in my life. Redirecting my steps to places I would’ve never seen myself at a year ago. But He’s also been teaching me that sometimes I have to crawl out of a window. Sometimes the path isn’t clear, the next door isn’t always open.
And that shook me babycakes… that shook me like an earthquake.
But being shaken was a good thing. I learned I am loveable, that despite my flaws I am worth it. I am important in His eyes.
And I hope He shakes you one day. I hope he surprises you with an open heart, a charming smile, and never-ending torrent of love. I want Him to move the mountains in your life so that you see they were molehills all along. Molehills that don’t matter much when I am in awe of my maker. I am in awe of this God who could love someone like me without a second thought. I want you to be that in awe, that wonderstruck. Because you are important– to Him, to me, to people you haven’t met yet. You are oh so important.
and you mean the world to us, babe.