Excelsior.

7/20/14

There has been plenty of days when I didn’t feel “enough” for someone so I would push them away. It’s what I do. It’s what I’ve always done. And why shouldn’t I feel that way in a society that fogs over my mirror and draws their own image of “enough” for me: flat stomachs, thigh gaps, smooth skin, and size 0’s. How is anyone ever suppose to feel enough?

I’ve come to the conclusion that wanting to be enough isn’t enough for me. And I know that sounds greedy, but our society is always yearning for us to give more and more to be less and less of who we are. I am tired of wanting anything for myself that makes me an individual. I am tired of striving for nothing, for “enough” and I’m tired of watching others  snuff out their lights just to please a society that will tell them everything they have given or will ever give will still not make them “enough.” Babe, you could light up the whole  world if you wanted too. Burn the magazines and tabloids and diets. Tear down the walls and let it shine honey. There is a silver lining just waiting for you to grab hold and accept that things won’t ever be the same again. Because they won’t be, I can promise you that.

I’d be lying if I didn’t say my favorite movie was Silver Linings Playbook.

And it’s not because Bradley Cooper is phenomenally attractive or Jennifer Lawerence is a brilliant actress. It’s because this movie shows that good can be found in any thing, in anywhere, in any time. Second chances can happen and most likely, will happen so give them a shot– what have you got to lose? It shows that love conquers all and I am dying to find out if that is true. It shows that people change and that change isn’t ever really a bad thing. It shows soulmates come in all forms and that every human is a silver lining themselves and I find that immensely beautiful.

I find silver linings to be the rock that smashes the mirrors, lights the matches and lets us burn. And I want to burn, baby burn brighter then anyone has ever seen. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin when I’m with others and that’s a decision that rests solely on my shoulders and yours, darling. It’s our choices to defy labels, defy enough, and to be who we are. Size 5 with not flawless skin.

And I’m typing this curled up on my bathroom floor. Because I know honey, I know. I know how it feels to be laying awake at 4 a.m. chastising yourself for something that you ate 10 hours earlier. I know how you feel when you feel like this depression is a tidal wave and you are stuck on the shoreline, getting smashdown after smashdown of salty water and darkness. I am typing this curled up on my bathroom floor crying. sobbing. weeping. Ugly crying. Shaking sobs. Whimpering weeping. This truth hasn’t been easy for me. It wasn’t a coffee date with my bestfriend. I didn’t stumble lost into the arms of a worship leader and fellow sister in Christ. It wasn’t an easy truth for me to admit to myself on the beige carpet of the bathroom floor. It wasn’t an easy truth for me to admit, period. The knowledge that I had put “enough” on a pedastal. I let that word dictate my choices and lifestyle… that truth scares me. Who knows what other ideologies are taking up parts of my heart? I’m almost afraid to venture that deep… to delve that far inside me to find out. But lucky for me I’ve found a silver lining, something to pull me out  when I am too exhausted from learning myself and getting to know the very roots that grow inside me. I found a silver lining and I can say it now… 18 years later and I can just. whisper. it.

I am enough. For me. And that is all that matters.

Excelsior, my dear, Excelsior.

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