I Understand Now Why They Name Hurricanes After People

11/12/15

(pic cred)

You said you had moved on.

You said you had moved on and the ship had sailed. So why do you still flash up on my notifications and message me asking me how I have been?

You said you had moved on.

So for the past year I had pushed through the feelings: the denial, the unwantedness, the self-loathing, the “am I not enough”.

But you just kept showing up, every few months you would show up and I couldn’t move on.

You said you had moved on and the ship had sailed but it took me months until I realized that seeing your name didn’t drown me any longer.

It took me months to look in the mirror and stop picturing you standing behind me.

It took me months to breathe easy and stop smoking. To accidentally drop the lighter you had given me into a river… washing you away with it.

It took me months because you said you had moved on but kept showing up in my life but now, it’s been months since I have thought of you, longingly and lovingly.

Now I just pray that you get happiness and sometimes, I don’t pray or think of you at all.

It’s been a long race: running to you, then away from you, and then finally running for freedom.

And fear was a big contributor to the chains I was wearing for the past year. The fear of being alone. The fear of rejection. The fear of not being enough. Just fear, crippling and disabling fear.

You see, I let fear be my life’s author this past year, and depression seemed to co-write it too. I let them wash over me. I became complacent and submissive to everyone around me. I was drowning in fear and sadness and I couldn’t move my limbs to swim.

I wish you could see me now. Like really see me. The kind of seeing that involves us sitting down over coffee and talking about life, our faces so close we can see our reflections in each other’s eyes. I need you to see me that way so you can see how I have changed:

How I no longer filter everything I say. How I move my fingers like I’m playing clarinet when I get nervous. How I second guess a lot of my decisions. How I can look you in the eye with no fear of getting attached any more. How I am stronger, more peaceful.

But I need you to know that you have changed me, for better or for worse because you said you had moved on but still showed up. It changes someone that does. And it helped me realize that I am not okay, most days.  That I still am not okay.

I am a hurricane; I destroy people before they even get close to me. 

That is a truth I am trying to change, the only one I want to change. I am sorry if I destroyed you, but you destroyed me first. That is a truth I cannot change, no matter how much I wish to.

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