I haven’t written anything lately. I’ve been burned out, drowning inside of myself, and letting the waves of everything I have done and been and thought of crash over me in torrents of Depression and Grey.
I cant explain the need to beat myself up. I have been this person who lives inside this shell of who she used to be, a person who lets a ghost of who she used to be hang around and haunt her every nook and cranny.
I’ve taken a long look at the new me and she isn’t who I want to be or who God created me to be, but I feel stuck inside this cage. Whatever these bars are made of they are my kryptonite. I’ve been reflecting on the person that I have been and it kills me to realize I am just drowning in the sin in my
life. I am someone who appalls the person I want to be.
You see, I use to be a gossip when I was younger. I was the person that heard something and couldn’t wait to use it as blackmail, couldn’t wait to embellish it and create it into this big dramatic thing that barely resembles the truth that lies within it. I use to blame it on an over-active imagination. But I was really just cruel. And heartless. And not resembling Christ.
I was the one who couldn’t wait to knock someone else down or exclude them because it built me up. It helped me to feel wanted and really what girl doesn’t just want to be wanted by someone?
Sometimes I feel like my life is just a screaming match between me and the universe.
And basically, all my life has been this major plea and scream to the world that I don’t feel seen. I feel invisible around the masses. I really really really just want to feel wanted by someone.
And I haven’t felt that genuinely in my heart this past month. I haven’t felt a pull to be with people, or get out of bed, or to keep pushing on, or keep showing up.
I haven’t had that urge, that desire and need to feel anything but the general term of “sadness” and “fine” that I tack onto the answer to the “How are You’s” I find myself plagued with.
But, I get the little things. Reoccurring Motifs in my life that it would seem God has been planting for me to find. Tiny Reminders. Little Nudges. All the things that say Hey You Will Make It Out Alive.
Swim. Drown. Flood. Imagery that is associated with water and all the aspects of that. I have been getting nailed on the head with this and covered with the different meanings.
Swim through the hardships. Learn to swim in faith. Learn to move. Decide to move. Be obedient in God’s teachings.
Drowning in my sorrow. Being drowned in the thoughts and lies that pull me away from what God wants. Drowning in his Love for me.
Flooded with emotions. Flooded by the Spirit. Flooded with love for Him and others. Flooded by the ways that brokenness is beautiful.
I want you to swim the distance. I want you to swim the distance and brace the flood and ask for God’s help when you feel you are drowning. Ask for my help. Don’t brave the waters yourself. Don’t face the torrents by yourself.
Swim the distance. You Will Make It Out Alive.