This post, I’m sorry to say my dear readers, is not for you. This one is for a girl who you all have come to know so closely, yet you may have never met her. Some of you have. Some of you know her so well, love her so much, see her everyday.
This one is for me, because I have gotten so good at writing for you all, for putting words out into the world so that you will never be alone on those terrible nights. So that, even if I can’t physically be there holding you when you are breaking, at least my words could be there for you. I have gotten so good at hiding behind this screen and acting like everything is a-okay. This one is for me, so I have something permanent to go back to on those nights too.
Dearest Courtney Anne,
These nights that seem impossible will pass. You will wake up tomorrow wondering if it ever happened or if it was just a dream. You will remember the crying in the shower, the emptiness in your stomach as you lie on your top bunk staring at the blank white ceiling, the laughs that were half-empty you had just pushed out an hour ago. You will remember that.
On those nights, place your hand over your heart and focus on the beating of purpose you hear pounding from under your shirt. Let that rhythm get louder and louder inside your mind until it is deafening, until it drowns out the whispers that have slowly snuck inside your head on the backs of the shadows that have tangled themselves around you. Hear your heart, Court. It’s there for a reason, you are here for a reason.
Darling, I’ve come to realize that this is all just fear. You have this gaping hole in your chest because you are afraid to be alone. You are afraid that all the connections you’ve made in these past three months will never stay put. I know people have always left you, Courtney Anne, but these girls, these friends, have stayed. Don’t you see that they have stayed?
Crazy girl, don’t be afraid to find your home here.
Home is just a four letter word that means love, and you have an abundance of love at Houghton. It’s okay to settle for a while. It’s okay to know that change is necessary, but that doesn’t mean that you have to leave here. It won’t make you any less sad to go, and it won’t make you less sad to stay. Sometimes, the change has to come from within.
Sweet, Sweet, Courtney. You have to unclench those fists of yours that are gripping misery and depression by the reigns. Unfurl those fingers. Unfurl them and let the sadness go. Don’t you know you deserve happiness too?
That just killed me inside, typing that, because it’s true. You go around all day making sure that everyone else is joyful and happy. But, you never take the time to assess yourself. Courtney, if you’re dead honest with yourself, you. are. not. happy. You don’t allow yourself to be. And that is the really sad thing. .That you notice everyone else’s sadness, but you won’t acknowledge your own. There is a deep deep sorrow harbored in your eyes and a melancholy that sits at the roots of you. Please, unclench your fists and smile. Courtney Anne, if you do nothing else today, I want you to smile. A genuine, wholehearted smile.
You little thing, haven’t you always known that God can be the answer to people’s questions?
Don’t be afraid to whisper His name sweetly, sometimes you need to hear He is the answer as much as the person asking. It’s okay to rely on Him, it’s okay to be vulnerable with Him, and this next one is important, listen close: it is okay to love Him back. My goodness, sweet child, is it okay to love Him back. You must know that by now… It is okay to love. The hurt is nothing compared to the freedom and joy that comes with being open to the love and feeling that love. Please, abandon the numbness. You were created for tremendous things.
He created you, you little thing, and He has plans for you. The fact that you already have so many dreams is evidence of that. But you need to believe in yourself too. Because as Hannah B told you, He can always choose someone else. He can always always choose someone else if you don’t step up to the plate. Doesn’t that excite and terrify you? It should. But you can’t let the fear drive your life anymore. You can’t keep sitting alone in your room because you think that’s what you deserve. You can’t keep ignoring God because you’re afraid of what He’s saying. You can’t keep beating yourself up over the small things because it will continue to eat you alive. You can’t, you can’t, you can’t.
My dearest Courtney, this life was gifted to you and right now, you are throwing that gift away. There were no exchanges granted, it’s a non-transferable thing. This life is so precious and beautiful… Yes, there is a lot of pain, and cruelty, and hatred… But if you numb yourself to that, your numbing yourself to the joy and majesty of it all. Don’t let this thing go to waste, you might not be given another chance. Don’t be afraid to be in love with the things that make you happy. And don’t be afraid to ask for those things- love, friends, purpose, God. Say yes instead of hiding. Spread your wings, you little bird, spread them and fly fly fly. You were created for far greater things, be home. Be present. Be brave. Be everything that Elton John sings about, then get down on them knees of yours and praise the One who gave it all to you. Court, never take this thing called life for granted. I promise you things will be better tomorrow.
Keeping you tucked snuggly in my pocket m’dear,