There is a boy who I thought I loved and he came waltzing back into my life like it was his destiny. perhaps it was. I am not one to argue with God, or Fate, or Destiny, or whatever it is you believe in. I am not one to deny that I think everything happens for a reason. But I will deny that I love him. Because I no longer do. It’s not love that aches within my heart but pity. I pity him, his heart, his breaking spirit.
This boy is the one I always write about. I burned his suitcase. I fell in love with his beastly nature. He was the boy who was my soul-mate, but not my forever. He is the “he” inside all of my writing and he came back into my life with a plea of “I think I still love you.” I thought that perhaps I did too. I mean, if a heart has feelings at one point, I don’t believe you ever truly lose them. I just came to the realization that this isn’t our season. You see, He and I were always Lorelai Gilmore and Christopher Hayden. Always at the wrong time. Never meant to be.
He and I have this cycle that we fall into. And given the chance we would have fallen back into it full swing. I would have become clingy and dependent and I would lose the independence that I have come to grasp by myself. He would get mean, drunk, and cruel. I would become the problem and tension would become our solution. Our cycle was toxic and I couldn’t do that to me or him. So I cut him off. I snipped all ties and romance in the buds. I still care. I still am so concerned for him. But I cannot be everything to everyone and he is 417.6 miles south from me. I most certainly cannot be what he wanted me to be. And for a girl who just wants to be seen, heard, and matter– it kills me in ways that Where the Red Fern Grows and The Great Gatsby couldn’t ever reach.
I think we were given this life to pay attention to the people who sit around us. And I am one who really needs to take their own advice here, actually, I usually need to take my own advice. But really, we are supposed to pay attention and love on other humans so much. It’s something we were called to do and something that makes us vulnerable.
Vulnerability has been impacting my life so much lately. I really just don’t understand the notion of fully opening up and giving myself to other people. It’s something that really helps us to be better humans and forge deeper relationships and grow in our faith, but let’s be honest. Vulnerability is hard. And I am such a bad person when it comes to opening up to people. I like to keep everything inside. I like to make sure I know how much I am giving up and who I am giving it to. I keep parts of my life secret and I hold them dear to me; I never really surrender them up to others to bear with me.
I like to be in control. I like to be the one who holds all the things together and makes the calls. I like every little ounce of control I have and I think that’s why I struggle with my faith, at least lately. I put God into a box and only deem Him worthy of dealing with certain aspects of my life. It’s not that I don’t believe He has the power to break the chains, I just have never been able to surrender that part of my life to Him. Like, ever.
I have a friend, Babs, who just lives Christ’s love in my life. I’ve seen her go through so many things, big and small, and she never ceases to give it all back to God and serve the people that are around her. On more than one occasion, she has been a saving Grace in my life, reminding me over and over of the gifts God has given me through friendships. I have seen her surrender her life to Him and she has really been a major model in my life when it comes to my faith and how I treat people.
Lately, I find myself letting these walls effect how I love people and I am not like Babs. I do not love on strangers as hardcore as I used too and I am feeling my heart harden. But, I have new mercies every day and I am learning to be vulnerable. I am learning to open up slowly to people and let them in. My walls will slowly break down. I feel it. I know it. And if Babs can do it and has faith in me through this, then I definitely can. I’m truly blessed by her presence in my life, especially during these times of trials and tribulations.
I did surrender it all to Him. Tonight in fact. On a walk around my campus before heading back to my dorm. I told Him that I want His will to be done when it comes to relationships. I want His will for me because that is the only thing that will always be soaked in goodness. And then I asked for blessings, in a humble way, because tonight a sweet darling friend of mine reminded me I can. I can ask God for the desires of my heart. I can come before Him, fully human and broken and filled with humility, and delight in Him and He will give me it before I even ask it.
The thing is I have always wanted to be married. To be the loving wife. And when my ex called me, he resurfaced the desire I feel for that lifestyle. And the sweet friend I mentioned above and Babs have been just reaffirming that if God has had that desire planted in y heart my whole life, He will not leave me hanging. He wants me to be joined in holy matrimony with someone. The timing just probably isn’t right. I just need to be still and wait patiently in the Lord.
Just wait friends. And offer all of your heart to Him. There is such a freedom in vulnerability.