It’s been almost 7 months since I wrote and submitted this post to If You Find This Email. It’s been almost 7 months of him and me and ups and downs and no’s and yes’s and why’s and goodbye’s. I may not have been in Fillmore at the time but, the story is true. Read it if you want. Him and I are still friends, we still talk.
So I’m unmasking myself. I think I wear too many masks nowadays and I don’t want to be living a life of lies anymore. I think that transparency and vulnerability are what let us really be intimate with God. I want that more than anything.
I am the Girl with the Stars in Her Eyes. I dream too much and too big. I eat junk food on a daily basis, but I also try to run or even do dance every day as well. I watch Netflix and movies everyday. I sing loudly and off-key. A lot. I get depressed and have panic attacks. I enjoy coffee a little more than I should. And I like girls and boys.
That causes dissonance inside my heart and inside the church. It isn’t as hard for the church to accept it as it is for the God-fearing christian who experiences it.
But I am accepting of that part of me now. I don’t sit in my closet anymore and curse at God for this, begging him to take it away from me. I accept it now because we are suppose to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. I wasn’t loving myself. So I wasn’t loving others.
It all comes back to the guy who wanted to illustrate my book and my life. We had deep conversations and he was one of the first people I admitted that to. One of the first people who knew I experienced same-sex attraction and he didn’t judge me. Slowly, I started opening up about it and not being judged and I am proud of the church for that. And I am grateful for that guy for helping me. If you are reading this, thank you for saving the stars from going out of my eyes. I owe you one, bud.
Romans 13:8-10 is so important because Love fulfilled the law. And Love wins. Love always win. “When Jesus was sacrificed on the cross, he provided the ultimate fulfillment of the animal sacrifices. His death and resurrection accomplished the purpose that all of the Old Testament regulations about sacrifices could only point towards– the final reconciliation of God with God’s people. As a result, the sacrifices were no longer necessary. It’s not that the laws were abolished, but they became irrelevant once their purpose had been accomplished. They were fulfilled.” and I am so thankful to love a God who just calls me to love. Everyone. All the time. No matter who they are, what labels they wear or identify with, we are called to love.
And if I am called to love all others “as I love myself'” then I am glad I started to see myself and accepting myself for who I am, for who I am categorized as, for the masks I am tired of wearing and the labels I suppose I fit into. I need to love myself– no matter who I love and who I fall for because Jesus will still be at the center of my heart.
It’s crazy to think that God swooped me out of an existence of not knowing Him with the same line that is helping me gather the courage to press the publish button. “I don’t have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way that He loves us.” Because Holy Crow. Nothing I do can ever snuff out His light in me. All of my shame, all of my sin, all of the darkness and masks and closets that I’ve been hiding inside of… His Love and Grace covers it. So I’m shedding this shell I’ve been hiding in for years. Because I don’t want to regret never being completely honest and completely me.